I hope that you can offer a reasonable suggestion.I am seeing a guy (four months) who ended a
seven-year relationship with his girlfriend a little over one year ago.They parted amicably and I
was impressed about that until now. Even though he reassures me that there is no way that they
could get back together again, he continues to include her in activities in his life and mine too. I
have met her and she seems nice but I don't feel comfortable "hanging out" with her.

He is nice guy to a fault and I can't help but feel that perhaps guilt from the past is making him
do things like:Giving her most of the things that they bought together even though he paid for
them; allowing her to keep her furniture in his garage until she moves; allowing her to stay at his
place and drive his car while she cat-sat during our vacation together; saying yes to a last
minute movie invitation from her when I was staying at his place for the weekend; and finally,
inviting me to spend time with he and his family this summer at a function that he invited her to
attend as well!
Do you see anything wrong here!!!
 
I really like this guy and would like to continue my relationship with him but I don't share
boyfriends!! He feels that I am overreacting about the summer event and says that if our
relationship grows stronger then her presence won't matter. I don't think that it's fair to challenge
me this way because he knows that although “Tabitha” is nice...I have no intentions of
becoming her roommate!!He understands that I'm upset and is open to discuss it more but how
can I communicate my feelings without sounding too hormonal? Oh, did I mention that he hasn't
told her that we are dating? What do I do?

Testy

Dear Testy,

I can understand your feelings about the ex-girlfriend hanging around. Some people collect
people like dust catchers in the house. You know, the stuff you buy on vacation or things you
just can’t seem to throw away. Does he give the impression to be a collector in other areas of
his life? This dust collector is beginning to get on your nerves and becoming part of your life as
well as your relationship with your boyfriend.

He did have a fairly long-term relationship with her so there is a history that has been
developed. It might be interesting to find out why they split and yet they still continue to be such
close “friends”. If he was the one to leave without just cause, there may be some guilt to be
dealt with. What I would do is observe and see if there is a gradual moving away from her over
time or does it seem to be growing or just standing still.  You have only been dating for four
months. They had 84 months together; something you don’t throw away over night.

One thing did catch my eye and that is he has not told “Tabitha” his exact involvement with you.
This also could be part of the moving away process from her. I would wait about two or three
months, making a little diary about this relationship and then review it. As long as everything
else in your relationship seems right to you, then give this area a little more time. If you make a
big issue now, it could have a reverse effect down the road. Who knows, one day she might be
your maid of honor at the wedding!!!

Michael