I desperately need your help. I am a 23 year-old Hispanic woman who has been in a six-year relationship with a 29 year-old Black man.
My problem is this, he feels that we do not act as a unit or show unity within our relationship. I have tried to show him that I support him and show unity with him, but he thinks that what has transpired in our relationship is not enough. For example, he came to pick me up yesterday early at work and I was not ready. He became upset saying that I am never on the "same page" with him. I tried to keep this "discussion" out of the public eye, by sitting in the car before I went back to work and trying to apologize. He became further upset by saying that I go back to work and that I was causing a scene (which he hates).
He believes that I am always defending everyone else and not him. He just takes my views about certain situations as I am against him and I do not support him, which is not true, and I have let him know how I feel, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. Please, I need to know what I can do to physically and obviously show him that I love only him and support only him without stifling my own voice. This has put a large strain on our relationship and I feel I am about to lose him.

Feeling lost

Dear Lost,

I do believe you get your states Relationship Blue Ribbon for putting up with this jerk. Your relationship must feel more like a dictatorship than a love relationship. He wants you to support him 100% no matter what his views and exactly what are you getting out of this, how about a big dose of frustration. I think you can see how this has developed over a long period of time. I am sure that the beginning of the relationship was nothing like it is at this point. You would have never gotten involved in the first place.

In every relationship, there should be an ebb and flow back and forth in ideas, wants, desires, concepts, and the list goes on. You are in a very one sided affair and it may not get any better unless you stand up for yourself in this matter. I am not sure how long this has been going on but the longer it has the worse off for you. Any kind of abhorrent behavior that is allowed to continue is only going to reinforce that behavior from the one giving it out to the other party, that’s you. The longer you accept it the more it builds and your boyfriend is going to get the idea that you will tolerate that much more. This can and many times does escalate to a very ugly scene. Your getting a lot of verbal abuse, but this can turn to physical as well if your not careful.

It may seem like you have no choice in this manner but you have a lot of power and I hope you use it. Arrange to meet at some public place. Its time to have a heart-to-heart talk with lover boy. Explain to him that you have reached your own personal boiling point in his behavior towards you. You have decided you are not going to take it anymore and he is on notice. Suggest a one-week (two weeks if you’re really upset) cooling off period in which he can think things over and to see what he is going to lose if he does not straighten up FAST.

You need to take a stand, the sooner the better. This is an exercise about respect for you as a person. If you do not do this, he is not going to stop, it is not going to get better and you are going to suffer because of it. If he does not take this offer then its time to “turn the page” and find someone who will treat you right.

Best to you

Michael