I fell in love with a guy I met working on the "love boat"
while on a
cruise. We had a wonderful year of long-distance relationship,
including
a trip to Hawaii, joining him on a cruise to Alaska,
and wonderful phone
calls, letters, presents and lots of FANTASY! He
quit the cruise line
and came to live with me----END OF FANTASY!!!!! (Yes,
I know, I should
have let it be just what it was---a terrific year of
fun, end of story)
However, It was not the end of story, and after 10 years
of him living
with me, I love him, but I'm going crazy living with
him! He has only
worked about 3 out of the 10 years, thus I've supported
him and gone
through tons of $$$$. Now, that I seriously want
him to move out of my
house, he has poor health, a bad heart and other maladies.
I'm way too
kind hearted and don't know what to do. He has
no money, no car, and
nowhere to go. What do I do?????
HELP,
Big Heart
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Dear Big Heart
Thanks for your letter. It sounds like you had a great beginning, but its the ending that is getting messy. It feels to me like he knew you were a big kind hearted person and he took advantage of it BIG TIME. He did not just land on the "love boat" he got there somehow, and it would not surprise me that he had just come from another person who it did not work out with also. He met you and was off to another adventure (for him). Whenever I hear about people who stay in bad relationships for a long time, tells me that someone is getting something out of it. What was your cost or benefit of this dead end roller coaster ride for 10 years. What ever it was, it is no longer a good cruise for you. You say he hasn't work for the better of 10 years. I'm sure he has a lot of reasons for laying low for so long.... wait... he had you and you were willing to accept it and he had a free ride in the process. You two have a long history, I can understand you loving him, but now the bloom is off the rose and you are seeing clearer these days. that's why its driving you crazy..it is becoming a push pull. Some questions.... what do your friends say about this? They know the two of you better than I. Have you met his family and friends. It's too bad you have spent so much money on this relationship... was he willing to keep up his share if not for money, other things to help out... etc. IF he has not done anything to help out, sadly to say, he is just using you because your such a good person. And he will keep USING you till to quit... kick him out, and then he is just off the another conquest... I cannot believe that he has not done this before...
Now for the hard part... You need to accept and believe that this current relationship is over... you are not a couple living together for a common good or goal. Every day that goes by you will harbor more and more resentment toward him and anger inside yourself for letting go on as long as it has. It's time for a "OR" talk... (Our relationship) tell him how you feel, outline a time frame for him to move out and STICK TO IT. Ofcouse he will try an convince you he loves you and wants it to work out and all sorts of other BS to let you let him stay there with you.. You have got to be tough... Forget the bad heart, poor health etc, etc... he may have all this but he is using this to keep you off center. Set a time and date for him to move out... give it 30 days. Be prepared to have him forcefully and legally removed from your home if you have too. This is going to be very hard for you to do... you love him (because of your history).. but he does not love you no matter what he says out of him mouth, read the actions he is sending off... I would bet this is not congruent... always go with the actions someone is doing this is a more truer indicator of what is going on...
When you have this person out of your life, you will feel so relieved that it is over... give yourself some time (2 years) to heal, then be open to meeting someone who is right for you. I wish you the best of luck...
Michael