My best friend and I, both 30, have at times been "more than just friends". Neither of us was in love with each other though we cared a lot about each other, and things were really good between us, almost perfect. Then he got a girlfriend and our relationship became platonic. They went through a bad patch and foolishly I got involved with him again, only for his girlfriend to get suspicious and she banned him from seeing me.

Now, 7 months and one baby later (his baby) he calls me up and wants to start "seeing" me again as he says things aren't going well with him and his girlfriend, but that he can't leave her because he doesn't want to loose his child, and although he's not in love with his girlfriend he does still love her as a person. He told me that he is unhappy with his current situation but is trapped, and would I consider an affair.

I told him no, even though I did it once before I won't do that again. The trouble is, when he wasn't around for those 7 months I missed him so much and I realized that my feelings for him were more than just a friend.

I won't have an affair with him, but I don't know what I can do. I really want to be with him, and believe he is only with his girlfriend because of the baby. Should I just accept things, as they are, that we can't get together or is there a way to act with him so that he can come to a decision on his own about whom he wants to be with. I think the decision should be his, but want to help him hurry up and make it.

Susie Q

Dear Q,

I can remember in years past that only books and movies in Boston got banned. Now your friend’s girlfriend has banned you. You also seem to be caught in the preverbal rock and a hard place. So now what to do.

There are so many stories about the un-understanding partner and so the other party (your friend) is looking for an easy way out. Except he also just happens to have a baby attached to his life. This is beginning to sound messy. Are you sure you want to be a part of it?

I think it would be best if you bow out of this drama before it turns real ugly. You have already been caught and told to stay away, do you want to find out what happens if you’re caught again. Remember, she has a baby with this man, married or not, she will protect her territory with a vengeance if forced to.
No matter how much you may want him, he must make the final decision on his own. You do not want to be a part of his leaving because of you or what you have told him to do. If for some reason he does leave and things do not work out right with you, he will blame you for his leaving her in the first place. It just has a way of working out like that.

I know this may be hard to do, but you really need to let go until he is free and clear of her without your “help” in the process. Let him know that you will be there for him once he is away from his present circumstances. You will feel much better about yourself if you take a stand in the background knowing that you did not have any direct participating part in this breakup.

Best to you

Michael