Dear Michael,
 
My relationship of four years with a wonderful woman ended almost four months ago. We're both in our forties and were both very much in love. Even though it was a long distance relationship, and we spoke on the phone 3 or 4 time a week and met online nightly we were convinced we were soul mates. We visited each other every 3 months for a week or so, and that time was normally too good to be true. We also often spoke of marriage. In February, I announced my plans to visit the next month. That was the effective end of the relationship. She cited by not checking first I had overstepped my boundaries and she was ending our relationship.

Since then I've been what I can only call as being miserable. We still see other online nightly and talk only briefly. This has become a source of pain for me. I tried leaving her on-line once, only to be back within a few days. What I'd like to know is how to go about and rekindle what we once used to have. Four years is a long history for two people, and I've been reassured she isn't seeing anyone else. The problem is I just can't seem to open a dialogue with her.

I pray for strength, and patience in the face of this and have told her that I have forgiven her and would like to keep in touch. I just know that if I managed to have a conversation or two with her that we'd soon be the close friends we once were.

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and have gone out of my way to try and be understanding and supportive. What else can I do?

Green eyed guy
 

Dear Green,

From where I sit, I can see you have not done anything wrong with this relationship as far as your behavior. So stop beating yourself up. I do see some red flags however so let’s look at them one at a time.

Long distance relationships just do not work out for the most part. Even though you have been in contact on the Internet in what seems is a daily schedule, it is not the same thing as being there in the same room with your love interest. It’s the physical proximity that makes relationships real. I’m sure there were many a night you would have just loved to call her up and say “Hey, what are you doing, come over for XYZ” and she would be there in 30 minutes or less. This is not the case because she lives so far away.

OK, here is where this is getting a little cloudy and makes me wonder what exactly do you have with this woman. You’re on the phone or send her an email and announce your plans to come and visit the next month and all of a sudden you’re on the receiving end of a person telling you about overstepping boundaries and the relationship is over. This is coming from a woman that you have visited, phoned, emailed, and most likely have been intimate and let’s not forget talked marriage with for the past four years. What is wrong with this picture?

After having this romance for so many years (I have known marriages that    did not last this long) you develop a history and certain things are automatically assumed. Don’t get me wrong, had you just shown up on her doorstep unannounced this might have been cause for her to be a little upset        (because she might have wanted to at least prepare for your visit) but         certainly not something to end the relationship over. Now back up a little and by saying that you’re plans of coming the following month and she is talking about ending the relationship. This does not add up in my relationship/love book.

There is something going on here, kinda like, fishy in Denmark. I would let her go, as hard as that is and concentrate on someone in your own backyard. Her actions toward you are not that of someone who you have been developing a four-year relationship with but more like someone who is hiding something. It feels to me like this is a relationship of her convenience and not in your best interest. I don’t think you’re on the same page. Time to get a new book.

Best of luck

Michael