I am 35 years old and my husband is 36. We have known each other for 10 years and have been married for two.  The other day I opened the subject of wanting a baby, he said an emphatic "NO". I was so upset I left and stayed with a friend for a few days. Now I have thought things over and want to resume our happy married life and he said he does not want me any longer.  I have read a lot of self help books, including the one you recommend on your web site by Barbara DeAngelis "Are You The One For Me" and got a lot out of the book. According to this particular book, we are not compatible; however, Michael, I am deeply in love with him. Please help me with any advice you may have.

Confused

Dear Confused

After reading your letter, I have a few questions that are begging to be answered. You did give me enough information to give you an answer but there are some areas of your letter that I wondered about. You say that you “opened the subject” of wanting to have a baby. I am assuming that this is the first time you mentioned it, if so, I can understand your husbands’ behavior, especially if this was the first time it has come up. You have known each other for ten years, married for two and now you are talking about having a baby. This must have been a bombshell to your husband.

This is something that should have been discussed long before now. If it was not then what has changed? Having a child is serious business and requires careful planning. There needs to be a lot more discussion about this topic. There are many topics a couple needs to talk about before getting married, finances, religion, goals, just to name a few, oh yeah, and having a family as in kids is part of the discussion.

I am sorry to hear that you feel you and your husband are not compatible based on a book you read. I highly respect the DeAngelis book but it should be used as a guideline and reference not as the absolute truth to make the decision to end a relationship.

I feel that a trip to a marriage counselor is in order for this problem. There are a lot of underlying issues at play here like, communication that need to be brought out in the open before any further action be taken. Communication in a relationship is so vital to its succuss and many people miss this detail. Once the communication connection is broken down there starts a downward spiral that is almost impossible to stop. So many relationships and I am not just talking marriage, end because one or both parties stop communicating with each other. Please do not let this happen to you.

Best to you

Michael