I have been in a relationship with a very wonderful man for two years.  He has been separated from his wife for almost two years.  Before he moved out of her house, he was living in her basement. He has four children, ages eight, six, four and two and a half.

His ex-wife is very manipulative, and controlling. I cannot find the words to describe her.  Basically, she only wanted the children.  Now that she has them, she does not want him around anymore.  She has been mentally and verbally abusing him ever since they had their first child.  She did not even allow him to keep his things in her house.  She is always calling him and demanding money, and for him to take the kids.  She always wants to know why he does not answer the phone, where he was, etc.

He has the kids Wednesday night, Friday night they sleep over, Saturday night late he takes them back to her. Tuesday nights, he takes them skating.

She refuses to take them anywhere.  He takes them to swimming, skating, soccer, etc.  If he cannot do it, his brother has to because she will not.  She does not want to work.  She does not cook, clean, do laundry, etc.  Her mother does all that and they are always buying everything she wants.
 
He just bought his own house so he does not have to go to her place to see the kids anymore.  He has not been able to afford beds for them so they must all sleep in his bed.  She does not care.  She will not help him out at all. When it is not "her day" with the kids, she refuses to help.

He is working a second job on the nights that he does not have the kids and trying to juggle a relationship with me.  He is so tired and frustrated.

He has some emotional problems as to his children.  He does not know why, but he cannot tell them about me.  He does not know what it is.  He does not want them to be mad at him for meeting someone else.  He is afraid of him or her getting to know someone else.  He is afraid of what the older child, a girl will do.  He did not want there to be another mother for his kids.  He is very confused.

Supportive friend

Dear Support

Sometimes people can have everything and they’re still not happy. Your friend’s ex-wife, let’s call her “Sally” is one of those miserable types that are impossible to live with or live away from. I would bet he is thankful he is away from her. She reminds me of a sister-in-law that I once had. Notice the word HAD.

I feel there is a power struggle going on between your friend and Sally. The children are being used as pawns in this tug of war. You did not mention how they are coping with this behavior but it cannot be very good.

I can understand why he wants to keep you separate from his children. He must realize that the kids are going through some really rough times right now and to introduce you to them could be unsettling. I know this puts you in a down side to all of this but it is the best position for you to take. Your mission, should you decide to accept, is to take direction from your friend. Support him as much as you can. Right now you are a pillar, the safe harbor in the storm. What you do not want to do is put undue strain on him.

He sounds like a gem of a father. I would suggest that he petition the court for custody. When he does this, an investigation will follow and the courts will decide the best interests of the children. On a personal note, I took this action in 1973 when it was unheard of for a father to get custody. I won my case. Check to see what the laws are for your state.  Those children need a good home, go for it.
 

Best to you

Michael Stone

(Visit the Stone web site, www.michaelstone.net to send your letter)