I am 31 and have been married twice. I was happy in my first but we had no communication and drifted apart. Just after we separated, I began seeing 'Kevin'. We shared some history together, two failed attempts to get together, and more chemistry than I ever felt. For years I felt like he was a loose thread, an unfinished chapter in my life and I was anxious to answer those 'what if' issues.

We clicked but had some major problems. I was extremely vulnerable and fell for him hard. Eventually he told me he was involved with a woman he had been seeing for 6 years. My self-esteem was so low that I accepted the scraps of attention he would toss me and I actually believed he would choose me. After nearly a year of traveling 6 hours nearly every weekend to see him (No sex involved) I gave an ultimatum. He did not feel like he was finished with her so I walked away feeling positive and empowered for the first time in months.

Just after this, I attached myself to 'Gus', a man I knew I didn't love, but I enjoyed his attention and I was afraid of being alone. Just before we became engaged, Kevin came to town and we had dinner. He professed his undying love and cried for a second chance. I declined. I felt committed and I didn't trust him. Gus and I married and I lived with him three months before filing for a restraining order and moving out. Gus was an abusive man. I was never sad; I should have listened to my inner voice.

Just after leaving Gus, Kevin showed up again. We reached out to each other thinking we actually had our chance now that we were both single. We've been dating, always long distance, for 19 months now. The majority of this time I've felt like I was more in love than he and I made myself sick worrying about where we were going. I see him about once a month and while it's always passionate, I'm frustrated by how unrealistic it seems.
 
Kevin is 37, never married, his last three long relationships have been
long distance and I know he has been unfaithful in each instance. He is evasive about the future and hesitates to offer opinions or hopes in that respect. I am feeling very frustrated with all this, in one word,
HELP!

Dear HELP

Your original letter was much longer than I could include in this column, however you did point out a few important issues that I felt were worth commenting on. You and I share at least one thing in common and that we have been attracted to someone that had a magical control over us and we were drawn to them in spite of the fact they were no good for us. That is what our “Inner Voice” is for; we need to listen to that more often. The real problem is that other people like “Kevin” know this and they use it against us. I feel Kevin is just stringing you along for everything he can get.

The next issue is that of the long distance romance. Since I have been writing this column, I have never had a letter telling me they work. I have never met anyone who said they worked. In short, they don’t work. The reason why there is always so much intense feelings is that you only get together for short periods of time and there are long periods that you’re alone. This is not a good environment for a real relationship.

The last comment I have is I feel you have to be connected to someone to be whole and that your self esteem is not very high unless you have someone at your side, even if it is a wrong choice. One of my favorite phrases is “I would rather be alone than with the wrong person” You have to learn to like yourself without “Needing” someone else to make you happy. If you do not learn this lesson, you are doomed to have many failed relationships in the future. A good therapist can help you work through this part of your life.

Best to you

Michael
(Visit the Stone web site, www.michaelstone.net to send your letter)