I am 27 years old, single, involved with my boyfriend “Jim” (29 years) for the last four years. During this time, I would stay the weekends at his house, he was always talking of how he wanted to be married and raise a family with me.  Just recently, I officially moved in with him full time. The marriage thing was brought up and we even looked at rings, to get married in Las Vegas, honeymoon, planning our futures together.  Just recently, he told me that he does not want to get married at all. He just wants everything to stay how it is.

He does not see my side no matter which way I explain it. I told him last night I will be moving back home. I love him and he says he loves me; he was the one who wanted to be married all along. Now that I do, he put on the brakes, seeing only the negative side of things, I explained there will be bumps in the road of life and like anything, a relationship takes work from both people. A relationship is a joint thing not mine and his, but ours.

I do not want to move out, but deep down I know I have to, because the longer I wait, the more difficult it will be. I am just afraid that with me gone it's like "outta sight outta mind".  I am very sad and heart-broken and he knows this, but does not want to give in to something he is not ready for.  I have had all kinds of advice, good and bad, and he even agrees that I should move out and on, it hurts to have him tell me this. I do not understand why the change of heart.

Now it seems like it's all over and coming to a screeching halt. I know
There is really not much to tell me. But it really hurts that someone you care for so desperately doesn't reciprocate the same way back. I think about all we have had and shared is now over. I am devastated

No Name Please

Dear No

I am sure you can see and feel that great big huge black cloud that is following you everywhere, or so it seems. You have put your whole life and expected future on the line and then this loser just stomped it out like it was nothing. Your heart is crushed, your dreams are on melt down and the world just plain stinks. OK, now we have that out of the way. Lets start thinking about you and this doomed relationship. You will not understand this now, but in the not too far distant future (yes, you will have one) you will be able to look at this and thank your lucky stars you did not marry this clown. I feel like he baited you all the way to the bucket, giving you false hopes and then when it came down to the line he backs out abruptly and wants to bail out, without a damn good reason.

Your concept is correct about how relationships should be. Do not ever lose that sight, it is a good one. He was never as involved emotionally as you were in this relationship. I think you know that now, after the smoke of your burning heart clears.

Out of every relationship that we have with people we learn something from each one that will enrich our own lives. You were dealt a bad deck of cards. If you decide to move out, which I hope you do, you can hold your head up high with dignity and respect for yourself in not continuing in this farce. You have the true power in this relationship, use it. You are doing the right thing by ending this before it goes any further. It will hurt for a while but you will heal and recover. I have been there myself.

The very best to you

Michael