I am 27 years old and I have been with my 45-year-old husband for a total of seven years. We have a one-year old son together and things generally are going well except for one issue.

My husband's best friend, who I will call 'Bob', he started out by being a gentleman. When my husband and I were dating, the three of us got along great. However, right around the time we got married, Bob began to have some personal problems. My husband and I continued to open our hearts and our home to him, knowing he had no one else to turn to.
About two years ago, when my husband was away on business, Bob called and asked me to join him for dinner. Thinking nothing of it, I accepted. Before the night was over however, Bob made an inappropriate pass at me. Nothing more happened, but I was still uncomfortable about it. I spent a week deliberating back and forth whether to tell my husband. In the end, I did tell him. My husband met to discuss it with Bob. Bob claimed to not remember the incident as he had consumed a lot of alcohol that evening. My husband accepted his apology on the premise that this behavior would not occur again.

Six months ago, after a party for my son's christening, once more Bob behaved inappropriately towards me. This time, it consisted of a pat on my behind. This time I told my husband as soon as Bob left.
I expected my husband to explode. However, although he did discuss it with Bob, he continues to maintain a friendship with Bob. I am quite frustrated with this and cannot understand why my husband would want to have this man as any kind of friend at all, especially after he violated my trust not once but twice. My husband claims that Bob has had problems (alcoholism, divorce, etc) and that we are the only friends that Bob has but where do we draw the line?

My questions are these: Am I justified in feeling anger and frustration towards my husband and his continued socializing with Bob? I realize they have been friends for well over 20 years and I do respect that, but as I said, where do we draw the line? Any input you have would be very helpful in helping me move on.

Violated in Maine

Dear Violated

I had to reread your letter several times and kept asking myself, what is really wrong with your husband. He has allowed unacceptable behavior against you on two different occasions. The first time should have never really happened, but anybody can claim the old “Oh, I don’t remember” defense. At that point, I would not want to be with anyone who drank that much. I am not buying the absence of memory; I think he was testing the waters. “Bob” has a real problem and needs help. The second time has no defense. This person is out of control and because he got away with it the first time, he figured he might go for the gold. It is this second offense that should have banned him from your lives altogether. I do not care how long your husband has been a friend with “Bob”, your husband should have defended your position and honor and gave him the boot out in the street.
I am wondering just how much you husband values your feelings over his friend.

One perverse thought did creep into my mind. Since your husband did not take such an offense to Bob’s behavior is it possible that he might have plans for the three of you. Maybe this was some sort of test.
I suppose I could rant and rave about this for several more paragraphs, but I think my point has been made. I would assume for you, just cut off all communication with Bob. Do not allow him in your home, do not socialize with him. I can tell you one thing. Unless this has been resolved, this will be the beginning of driving a wedge between you and your husband. Your respect and honor has been violated and your husband has done nothing to correct the problem. You sound like a strong woman, make your position known in no uncertain terms.

Best to you

Michael
(Visit the Stone site, www.michaelstone.net to send your letter)