I have a friend that I have known since May. Her husband has paid her no attention; he is abusive to her both physically and mentally. We went into our thing, just for the sex and nothing else. However, as time went on our feelings for each other started to grow. We fell in love.
She left him because of the abuse and other things. She is living with her daughters now. She has now told me that she wants to start over with me as friends, because she heard that friends have better relationships be it marriage, lovers, living together or whatever than lovers do. I agreed to do that for her. Nevertheless, she is with him every weekend, she comes home hurt and crying, and she calls me telling me what he had done.
My question is, do friends have better relationships than lovers?  I would do anything I can for her, but I also told her that the hurt would be there until she finally realizes that she has had enough. She says she loves him but she does not know why. She also says she does not want to love him because of the things he has done. She is going to go a psychiatrist to see if she has a chemical imbalance. The only thing I know to do is support her in whatever she does. I really love this woman and would do anything for her. What do you think I should do?

Outside looking in
 

Dear Out

You ask, what should you do?. Well, I would say you are doing plenty by just being there for support. As you pointed out she needs some kind of help in discovering why she keeps going back to him on the weekends. I am no psychiatrist but I do have some thoughts on the subject. We need to look back to her family of origin and see how she was treated by her caretakers, like in father figure. Perhaps she was treated badly by him and so this kind of behavior seems “normal” to her. Look at her past relationships and see if there is a pattern.

She may have this notion that she can change him, with enough love and caring he will be different, not. He, on the other hand has his own demons in his head and as long as she keeps coming back for more he keeps dishing it out. This is a no win scenario. This can only be broken with professional help and a good friend like you. When she moved out, this was her way of saying “OK, I have had it” but the break is not complete because she still loves him. Until she can dissolve the attraction, she will keep repeating the actions you have seen. A really good therapist should be able to clear this up.

In the mean time, be her friend and skip the sex, at least for now. She needs to be centered and clear her mind so she can go on and live a somewhat normal life.

As far as friends having better relationships, there is no clear and set answer. People are multifaceted and then when you add another person to the mix, anything is possible. The ideal for me would be to have someone who is your friend and then anything else that is added is good as long as you both agree to what the mix is. A good solid friendship is always a good start.

Good luck

Michael