Dear Michael:

I've seen you're website, read your column in my local newspaper and I think you can give me a hand with my problem. Right now I have a girlfriend. We have been together for five years. The problem is I’m starting to fall in love with another girl. This girl has also a boyfriend, but I’m not intending to pursue that girl since she is happy with her man. The problem now is that my relationship toward my girlfriend is starting to turn cold. I am confused about the situation. I do love them both. I just don't know how to deal with it. I hope you can give me some really good advice.

I have had this problem before. I have one girlfriend and then I get attracted to another one at the same time. My friends say there is nothing wrong with my girlfriend and I am being stupid.

Just Don

Dear Don Juan:

Yeah, I agree with your friends, you are being stupid in this matter. You have been with your girlfriend for five years so you do get some points. There must have been something good in this relationship for it to last this long. Since you have admitted you have been in this pickle before I would like to look a little closer at you.

I have no doubts you do love your current girlfriend but the other one, sorry, no. You may be infatuated with her, which can feel like love. True love takes time to build. It’s a process that can only happen over time. There is nothing wrong with infatuation. Its what starts the progression of a relationship that can turn into love? It takes time to get in that frame of mind. These people who claim they are helpless in love after two dates do not understand the meaning of the word. I think it is a word that has been way overused for so long it has lost its true meaning. I love my Oreo cookies and a big glass of cold milk, I am infatuated with Julianne Moore, do you see the difference.

OK, so what’s wrong with your current girlfriend? You have a long history, I know people whose marriage did not last five years. Since you say you have been in this situation before it seems to me that you have established a pattern of being or getting attracted to someone else while you are still in a solid relationship. You might want to look at your ability to maintain a relationship, which includes a lack of commitment over the long haul. I don’t have enough information to establish a 100% idea of what you need. You are asking for help so at least you know there is a problem and you’re looking for help. That is a step in the right direction.

I would suggest you get out a piece of paper and list all of the things you like about your current girlfriend and also the things you don’t like. Compare this list. Ask yourself what is important in this relationship. Also ask yourself why your attracted to other women. Is there something that you feel could be changed or maybe adjusted to make it work for you? It takes two for a relationship to work and only one for it not to. Once you commit to this list there may be something that jumps out at you that is the cause of your unhappiness. Don’t throw away this current relationship over a whim of another person that is not even available. If you are still unable to find the answer then you might want to contact a therapist that can work with you. Writing to me was your first step at finding some help, go the whole distance if you have to.

The Best To You

Michael

(Visit the Stone web site, www.michaelstone.net to send your letter)