I am writing you because my husband and I are having a crisis in our marriage. I am 34 he is 36 and we have been married for 15 1/2 yrs. For the past year, we have been separated more then we lived together.  I filed for a divorce, when he got the papers he told me he was looking for another woman. This really opened my eyes to the fact that I really loved this man I married and that I wanted him back. I shared my feelings with him; he says he wants me back also. He had been talking to some woman online from our area. Things got somewhat romantic, and now I feel like I have been cheated on, he does not understand my feelings.

I have tried to show him in every way possible that I love him. He now told me today that he feels I am suffocating him. He wants space and time to think, I understand that but I am so scared I will lose him.

The reason for our separation is that we fought about everything and anything. He was the very jealous type, now I am jealous. We always did have a problem of communication, and we both know that. We just do not know how or where to go from this point to fix our marriage, do you have any advice for us.

D of Denver

Dear Denver

Ok, it is time to break out the yo-yos because that is how you might be feeling right now with his vacillations back and forth with what to do with your on-again-off-again marriage. You were the one who filed, he informs you that he is already looking and now you want him back. It is that old, grass looks better over the fence syndrome. Sometimes the “grass” is Astroturf, it only looks good from a distance.

For him, he is getting a taste of freedom that he has not had in quite a few years. You were content with the role of wife and mother. Of course, you are jealous; some other woman might get your man. Therefore, he must not be such a scoundrel in the grand scheme of things. Right now, he loves this single guy role but it will soon fade with time. Your behavior will determine how this unfolds.

I look at your marriage like a pressure cooker. There is steam build up under pressure and it is blowing the safety valve. Let him have his freedom, he is doing some heavy duty thinking right now. You only want to be with a person who wants to be with you, RIGHT. So lets see where he is headed.
If you want to make your marriage work, both of you are going to have to expend the necessary effort. Communication is the basic building block of any successful relationship, marriage or otherwise. I would go shopping for a good counselor that you both like and follow the plan. I do believe your marriage can be saved, you have just hit a very deep rut and this is a wake up call. Both of you are the guilty party here.

The next time you see him, hold him close, face to face and tell him you love him, you want a happy marriage and does he want the same. You both have to want the same thing. If it takes some time to work it out then so be it. You kids have been together a long time; there must be something that made it last this long. Find the magic, light up the fires of passion, whew, now I am getting hot. You get the idea.

The very best to you both

Michael